It was like the air stopped. The air was stagnant. The particles just froze in place. My face wouldn’t move, because the air wasn’t moving. I froze. I couldn’t breathe or make a sound, the air wouldn’t allow it. But I was breathing, I just couldn’t feel it, it didn’t register. The sound of the clock ticking, the sound of the machines beeping and clicking, the sound of people sobbing and sniffling around me. The smell. The smell of a hospital is like no other. The smell of death and bleach and pungent detergent that makes the sheets stiff and scratchy. That doctor was the most unsympathetic doctor I had ever come across. Maybe he was just new. He’d never done this before. He was probably scolded when he left the room. That’s not how to talk to the patient’s family. A little while later we had to wait. Wait for the time to pass, wait for him to pass. It took 15 minutes of silence and sobbing and goodbyes. But the air was still incarcerating. The clock demanded my attention, but so did my brother. For a time I won’t forget, how much I needed my brother and how much he needed me, whether it’s acknowledged or not. A tight grip of his hand was calming. They say that being held can help calm an overactive nervous system. Sad and albeit awkward conversation followed with the estranged family we hadn’t seen in years.
It’s been 3 years. I got married to the love of my life 5 days after my dad died. So conflicting as I was supposed to be the happiest I’d ever been during that time. I don’t think about him often, rarely in fact. But today has been very trying and I really didn’t expect it. I wish it had been different. I wish he had been different. I love my stepdad as my own dad and this isn’t a reflection of that love. This day will pass like it has the few times before it. I will always feel the conflict it left me in the months following, even though I’ve accepted it all. Life moves on and now I have two beautiful babies and a loving husband who would do anything for me. Today will pass and I will enjoy my friends and their company.
